Be 100% responsible for showing up and how you show up. Be 100% responsible for your reactions; this increases your trustworthiness.
John Gottman says it helps to:
1) Use a soft start up. A soft start up starts with an even, calm tone which is highly unlikely to trigger raised blood pressure, heart rate and or a fight, flight, freeze response in the other person. When someone is fighting for emotional survival emotions go up and cognition goes down.
It is helpful to create optimal conditions for yourself and the other person to be understood and to understand.
TRY THIS: I would like to schedule time to talk with you about something I am having difficulty with or uncomfortable with or trying to learn more about or understand. When is a good time for you?
NOT THIS: Wait until you are ready to burst and then say, “You never listen to me”. “You don’t care about what I want”. “ You only care about yourself”. “You never have time for me”.
2) AVOID: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
When you refrain from name calling and are open to your perspective and your partner’s you and both likely to be heard and understood, feel cherished, trusting and interested in more talks like this one.
Instead of arguing and fighting, over whose perspective will prevail see if you can discover what you both want and need from the situation.