John Gottman has been researching couples for over 40 years. His research shows that 69% of fights are about perpetual problems, while 31% are solvable. Here is a link summarizing Gottman’s research: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2e/56/12/2e5612b867a004758bbca666683820a7.jpg
International Gestalt Couples Trainers, Dr. Rita Resnick and Dr. Bob Resnick find “Most couples deal poorly with difference. It is almost always HOW a couple deals with differences than the difference itself that matters.”
The Resnicks identified the following three ways couples fail to deal with their differences effectively:
1. One partner goes along with the other to resolve the difference.
This frequently means giving up what is important and nourishing to you. This person ends up losing his or her self. This is likely to result in the “miserably married” or resentful partner.
2. One or both partners withdraw.
This results in loosing connection with the other and being in isolation.
3. One or both partners try to change the other to make them more like you.
This leads to escalation, explosions then withdrawal and anger.